Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Losing my Daddy

Carl, Kelda (2mos), Dad and Me 1995

I feel you in my spirit and I see you in my dreams, there are so many memories and I have not been the same it seems . We will be together for now in my dreams. Another month, another year. Another smile, another tear. Another winter, another summer too but there will never be another you...I love you daddy here is to another year of growing:0)

I am not sure you ever really get over losing a parent.  To be honest I am not at all sure I would want to.  Really as I ponder why the days surrounding dads passing is still oh so hard I realize ~the trade off is that I was lucky to have such an unforgettable, wonderful father to miss. You see he was my (step) dad BUT my daddy in every way that was important and that counts.  I think this is where I started to learn family is who and what you make it...not necessarily blood and dna. You know that country song..."He didn't have to be" well that was my dad.  I remember taking him by the hand I couldn't have been more than 3 yrs old and asked to call him daddy in front of his company.  He said we had to go ask my mom.  -He is still my shining example of how to parent my own children and so I pass roots and wings along. Mom I know felt many times she did all the work, but when he wasn't working and even when he was I still learned a lot from not just him, but her as well. He will always be missed...I now have more smile days than sad. That first year without him was a blur. I may never be able to fully not miss him...esp when out of the blue there is a guitar pick on the ground when I get out of my vehicle, the sudden whiff of his awesome cinnamon rolls or biscuits and gravy...or chili, bbq the list goes on. Music was his life as was his family. I will forever more love and miss him greatly.  I never want to forget!

Last night I drifted off to sleep (well finally 3 a.m. this morning) listening to the beautiful sounds of the night owl.  

Ever wake up and it is as if you are hung over?? Cottonmouth, heavy body that feels like lead the works...yet you haven't had a lick of alcohol in some time. I really don't think I was writing a spell last night just speaking from the heart.  Funnier still Carl too had issues sleeping last night and feels this exact same way this morning. He is 1 1/2 hrs away. So what ever the experience -we had it together but neither of us remember. Ya know dad if you were taking us out for tequila shots and an out of body experience would have been nice to at least remember the party lol thank you none the less as today I feel awesome despite how I felt when I woke up.

Today on this 7 yr anniversary I feel renewed now as odd as it sounds.  As you carry on with your day, week, months ahead...keep this in mind: 

Never take for granted those you love, those you rely on, those you need the most because one day you may turn around and they will be gone.....

I last spoke with my dad 2 weeks before his passing.  I am grateful my last words were I love you and goodbye.  We never said goodbye it was always talk to you later.  Looking back it was almost as if deep down we both knew it would be our last conversation in this realm. 


Sometimes you have to step back and remind yourself that this is only one chapter of your life and that your heart will indeed go on somehow.  And then there are times like this past week when I got word that my grandma (dads step mom passed away 3/11/10 may she rest in peace) that sometimes life just seems like chapters of goodbyes.  

Moms' beginning of her new life

Then there are those times when it seems like beginnings...like when mom remarried.  I was happy for her to find happiness again but at the timing it hurt me deeply. She remarried 2 yrs to the day after dad had passed away.  I had a really hard time with this date of getting married, but put on a smile and carried on.  But now realize maybe it was her way of putting a happy meaning on the day that was so hurtful in her life and that mourning was now over so to speak for her.  So with this in mind...a very happy 5 year anniversary to my mom and "M".  I hope it is a very blessed day for you both;0)

So much has happened in all our lives since that day I sat out on the deck in the frigid cold not realizing how much time had gone by.  There has been 2 beautiful babies born in our family and a 3rd due in April...life continues...There has been 3 marriages...1 divorce... We moved away, mom and I hashed out issues and are coming around and I think starting to accept each other for who they are.  I started a business following my dreams and love for photography. We personally tried living the "American Dream" of home ownership and realized it wasn't who we were.  RV life has definitely suited us better.  Life is what you make it...follow your dreams never giving up.  Now if I could get my husband to call his family more, he works so much and when he has a day off the last thing he wants to do is talk on the phone he does that all week long.  I never know what to say to them and really never stop long enough to remember to call anyone anymore until it is like 10 o'clock at night and east coast time it is midnight.

Today the sun is in full swing and it is a gorgeous gorgeous day out which helps add life to this beautiful day.  Go enjoy this day and every day from this point.  The days are getting longer, the sun shining further into the day blossom by blossom spring is nearly in full swing.  I think March has to be one of the most frustrating months by far.  Giving lots of hopes of spring in full bloom only for the next day take you back to the dreary mid winter snow storms across the nation.  No matter how bright the sun is hitting my face you walk out the door and there is a bit of a chill in the air.

I love this quote:
"It was one of those March days when the sun shines hot and the wind blows cold:  when it is summer in the light, and winter in the shade."-   Charles Dickens 


VM Sehy Photography said...

Sounds like your dad meant a lot to you, and it is an honor to him to keep his memory alive although I know this can be somewhat painful. I too am getting close to a season of grieving as I am starting to lose my aunts and uncles on my dad's side. I figure there are about four stages of grieving in one's life: the few deaths when you're young of very old relatives or sometimes, unfortunately, classmates, then your grandparents, then your aunts / uncles / parents and the last one your peers. I plan to keep working with young people to keep that last stage from completely knocking me off my feet. Then someone can grieve me. PS - No, I'm not a control freak - Ha!Ha!

Ami said...

I know this post has been up awhile. Followed you from a comment you left on my blog ages ago (how did I miss it???)

I really believe that a person isn't really gone as long as those who remember them, well, remember them. Talk about them, think about them, dream about them... they live on in our hearts.

He sounds like a wonderful father and a great man. I'm glad you had him.