Saturday, April 18, 2009

Steel Magnolias

Have you ever had a movie impact you so deeply and not really understand or know why? This happened to me years ago after my mom, a couple friends and I went to see the movie Steel Magnolias in the theaters. I never understood really what it was about the movie that made such an impact or why I HAD to watch this movie from time to time.

I would say the past month I have watched this movie...long movie 4 times and haven't fallen asleep like there is a message I need to be getting from the movie. Sometimes when I look at a photo of loved ones esp those passed on they seem distant even in the photo. What is scaring me is in our 4 generation photo from when I was 17 in our pjs my mama to me is feeling distant in this photo. She feels kinda in the background like my grandmother ...her mother...that has passed on. This scares me since we aren't speaking at this time and I am really battling with what to do. I LOVE my mama but I don't want her to think I am sorry for speaking my mind, because I am not, what I am sorry for is it has led us to not speak really for the past year. This is hurting me deep down. When she had her car accident a couple years ago I KNEW 2 hrs before I got the phone call....I didn't really know it wasn't confirmed and no one answered when I tried to call. The kids and I were enjoying a day by the pool and suddenly out of the blue before I knew what was being said I blurted out my mama's in the hospital. I strongly believe in ESP and I KNOW my mama and I have this strong connection. 2 hrs later I got a call from my brother telling me our mom was in a bad car accident and in the hospital. So when I had that esp moment was about the timing of her accident.

We are both so bull headed neither is budging on our little falling out on our difference of opinion. Given history I know I will be the one to cave! I will NOT apologize however, only make sure she KNOWS I love her. Heck I hope maybe secretly she reads my blog not and then and even if she leaves an anonymous vague msg I will feel better. I know she still loves me but we are both just so darned pig headed...but it is how we roll and get thru life. Guess maybe true to our southern roots....we are both strong women and she raised me that way so I come by it honestly ya know.

anyhow I don't know the connection...yet with Steel Magnolias and my deep desire that I must watch it lately, but I am sure in time I will know and understand and will be back to blog about it. Maybe it is connected to my mama in some way after how I see her in this photo. I hope it isn't what I fear and only that we have drifted apart and need to come back together...that I what I pray it means. But I fear there is deeper meaning behind it all and need to just quit being a stubborn southern raised girl and just take that first step...maybe I dont' know give me a little time and we shall see what life throws our way.

We will see each other in July when my brother gets married so you just never know what lifes funny little things will come into play. But mama if you read this...I LOVE YOU that never stopped, but I also am not going to apologize for how I feel or what I said as I am sure it is the same on your each their own and lets just get over this and move on. One thing I learned from daddy''s passing away is life is too short you don't know what tomorrow shall bring. Every death in the family we have endured the past 13 yrs in this family has been one step closer to making me who I am now. You raised me with good values and some of daddys last conversations with me really impacted me after he passed away. It took time for me to soak it all in and be the person I am now, even if you don't think that is right, but they are with my roots in tact and raise my kids as such.

We are polite, that famous Southern hospitality is no myth, and we are friendly to a fault, but don't cross us, for under that magnolia-scented Southern exterior is a steel hard, rust proof center that it's best to avoid running into. I am also a HUGE fan of Scarlett O'Hara might have advocated tomorrow, "for tomorrow is another day" but let me tell you, that was not about procrastination or weakness, that was about hope and strength and rebuilding from rubble and tenacity. . . .its a clean slate! That is a part of and the heart of the South that I believe is under appreciated but also what brings on how stubborn we both are.


New Unschooler said...

Understand that winning and losing is not worth missing out on precious moments with people you love. Being right.. not worth it. Not worth it at all. In fact, if there is no way to have a relationship with your mother UNLESS you apologize and admit you were wrong... I would say do it. DO IT. You are wrong. In her eyes. That's the beauty of individual freedom... we're free to think differently from someone else. So, let her have her freedom... wrong and right, illusions. Admit that to yourself now, before it is too late. What matters is your love. Apologies, wrongness, rightness, stubborn mistakes. Who cares? Remember, one day your mama held a tiny baby and right and wrong didn't matter then. Why should it matter now? My mom is dead. I made huge mistakes. HUGE HUGE MISTAKES! BLAME, AVOIDANCE, HURT, FEAR. All things I could have done without.

In a field beyond right and wrong, I will meet you there.

Do you want to meet your momma there NOW or after she's dead? Think about it.

VM Sehy Photography said...

I too have a very strong opinionated mother. One of the things that I am most proud of is we have always kept communication open no matter how much we had argued or what had been said or how much we disagreed. I listen to Dr. Laura a lot. She says aske yourself is the person evil or just annoying. If your mom's opinion is a mere annoyance, I would call her up and say that you love her. (Of course Dr. Laura says if it's evil cut off all contact. I trust you know which one it is.) I wouldn't think you should have to apologize for anything. She should accept the fact that you are a grown woman with your own opinions and meet you on those terms. (I know that's probably easier written than done.) Even so, I concur with the other reply, that you may regret not calling her to at least say that you love her. If the topic comes up again, politely decline to discuss it and if you have to say it was nice talking to you and I just wanted to say I care and to make sure you were OK and I'll call again later, then so be it. That way you're not being rude, you know she's OK, and you've said the most important thing. My Mom always says she loves me when she signs off on the phone. I worry she's worried about not being around to say it again. On the flip side, it could just be continuance of that habit from when I was a teenager. No matter how hard we had fought, she would knock on my door at night and say I love you. I believe that her ability to swallow her pride and do that kept me out of a lot of trouble, and I appreciate that to this day.