This Made Me Smile

I got a good laugh out of this so passing it on to readers. I haven't forgotten to make posts just been really busy. Hope everyone out there is having an awesome time with this wonderful weather.

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)




To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren,
nieces,
nephews,
or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,
God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was
' DON'T !'

'Don 't what ? '
Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.'
God said.

'Forbidden fruit ?
We have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit ! '



' No Way ! '
'Yes way ! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit ! '
said God.




'Why ? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so ! '
God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked !
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? '
God asked.





'Uh huh,'
Adam replied.

'Then why did you ? '
said the Father.

'I don't know,'
said Eve.
'She started it! '
Adam said.

'Did not ! '
'Did too ! '
'DID NOT ! '

Having had it with the two of them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it,
don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children,
what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life
teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend
the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward
for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why
some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you.
In fact,
they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children
more awful than your own

6. We childproofed our homes,
but they are still getting in.



ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your
nursing home one day

AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS
ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:




'TAKE TWO ASPIRIN'
AND 'KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN '!!!!!

Quick,
send this on to ten people
within the next five minutes.
Nothing will happen if you don't,
but if you do,
ten people will be laughing

Anagrams

This is one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).
Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
DON'T FORGET TO SHARE THIS

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With

Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer

At Passing Cars.

See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice. !

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .

Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,

Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Cheques, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get..

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face..

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,

'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

NOT kid friendly BUT Hilarious

When Not to Have Your Picture Taken

I'll be with you in just one moment, Offisher.


Can you say OUCH???

Maybe it's the smell that knocked the boy out in the first place.


Made his own tent!?

Do they look like they're having fun yet!??


Must have been the breast stroke.

Dang, he's going fast. He's about to lose his luggage!?

What was in that chili he ate??

Favorite TShirt

I am soooooo rolling! maybe a sick sense of humor and if you don't find it funny...sorry I find it quite hilarious.

My wife was always after me to go shopping with her.

Then I began wearing my favorite shirt.....

She doesn't want me to go shopping with her anymore.

Endangered Fennec Hare Born at Korea Zoo

Endangered Fennec Hare Born at Korea Zoo

The birth of one of the world's rarest creatures was celebrated this week at North Korea's Pyongyang People's Zoo. The Fennec Hare is on the brink of extinction with only a handful remaining in captivity.

Photo Credit: Troop 1

Once found throughout the Iperian Steppe, but now critically endangered, the Fennec hare relies on its acute auditory sense to evade predators and detect its favored prey, the D. carota beetle.

Entering Womanhood

So the conversation goes something like this:

Mom: knock on bathroom door noticing a child has been in there for a good long time and wanted to be sure all was well.

Child: opens door, eyes watery and red as child is crying.

Mom: are you ok? whats wrong?

Child: I'm bleeding

Mom: you mean you cut yourself right (knowing full well not the issue)

Phone rings...are you serious what timing. Hold that thought sweetie I have to take this business call- have been trying all afternoon to get a hold of this person.

Conversation ends....turn back to child whom is deep in thought but realizes I am off the phone.

Child: no you remember those conversations I never wanted to be a part of and insisted I was never going to grow up and become a woman so there was no need for talks.

Mom: ahh yes I know that conversation remember well you saying just give me a book I don't want to talk. I will ask questions as I have them, but I talked anyhow plus gave you a book in the event you truly blocked my voice out and it sounded something like that of the charlie brown teacher.

Child: well this is an evil evil April Fools joke getting in its dibs a day early and I am not finding it very funny.

Mom: no longer able to control the laughter over how her daughter would handle this time of her life or hold back the tears had to laugh and hug her -and then proceeded to tell her she reminded me of when Paige the dog got her first heat hid in her crate all day long. It is nothing to be ashamed of sadly all women go thru it. She later before bed started to come out of her funk a bit though still not happy with the situation and told the dog what a wimp she was.

That's right my baby girl has entered womanhood and not happy about it and this is very much close to the dialogue of how things went. Think of the movie My Girl and Veda you will very much get the picture of my child.

As a mom I cry out of happiness and sadness. No longer really a child, but not really an adult yet...this should be wrong in timing seriously shouldn't she be older? I mean HELLO here THIS IS WRONG 2 major milestones with in a 24 hr period is hell on a mom. Yesterday my baby girl enters womanhood and today my baby baby turns 9! Two different children, two major milestones in life. Just wrong I tell ya ...it isn't easy...parenthood is so not for wimps so I best just get over it!

I want to take her out to chinese and celebrate and she says she doesn't see any celebration in something she finds embarrassing and the item used is discomfortable and is hoping one does get use to them -worried she won't be able to sleep. So many things going thru her head and with her wittiness I am sure this ride will be like no other. In the end she says she will not celebrate but will accept Chinese food:0)

BANK ACCOUNT!!!

Quiet the message that I had to post this. Not really humor but the kids and I laughed at the very last statement because it is one of those forward chain things, but the message it sends is worthwhile.


A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.

I love it,' he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait.'

'That doesn't have anything to do with it,' he replied.

Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.

Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it.

'It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life.

Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in.

So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!

Thank you for your part in filling my Memory Bank.

I am still depositing.

'Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

Pass this message to 7 people except me. You will receive a miracle tomorrow


Now, STOP! Did you hear what I just said. You WILL receive a miracle

Tomorrow. So send it right now!

Have a nice day, unless you already have other plans:0)

Larry Wisdom

The Wisdom Of Larry the cable Guy......


1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different
fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on
the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad
name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below
average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without
enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the
second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture
some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a
bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending
machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a
couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis?
Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're
in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness
pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without
sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get
sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to
death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger
person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck,
we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why
some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's
more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt
tomorrow.

Dog for Sale

Dog For Sale

*Free to good home.

*Excellent guard dog.

*Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.

*Most of them knew him as 'Holy Shit.

The Smart Blonde

I LOVE THIS!!! Thanks Kristina


A

Mexican, an Arab, and a hot gorgeous blonde girl from Corpus

Christi ,

Texas , are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws

his glass in the air,

pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In

Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with

the same

one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his

beer, throws it into

the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to

pieces. He

says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses

that we

don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The blonde

girl from Corpus Christi , Texas cool as a cucumber, picks

up her beer,

downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips

out her 45, and

shoots the Mexican an d the Arab. Catching her glass,

setting it on the bar,

and calling for a refill, she says,

'In Texas , we have so many

illegal immigrants that we don't have to

drink with the same ones

twice.'

Man Who Knows His Math

MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself.  I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.   That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper  Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.   There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.   That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.  Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.  That brings the total number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.   Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. 

That's 642. 

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

 That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. 

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don't think so.

Bailout Mascot

Why the word UP?

Lovers of the English language might enjoy this......How do non-natives ever learn all the nuances of English???

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers  UP for election and why is it! UP to the secretary to write   UP a report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP  the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix!  UP the old car. 
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir up trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP   is special. And this up is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP  a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We seem to be pretty mixed UP   about UP !

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP , look the word UP  in the dictionary.   In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add  ; UP ..

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.   It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP .  When it rains, it wets UP the earth. 

If it doesn't rain for awhile,things dry UP .
One could go on & on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so ....

Time to shut UP .....!

Oh...one more thing:!
What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U   P


Don't screw up.  Send this on to everyone you look up in your address book