Saturday, May 22, 2010

I Thought

May 21, 2010

6 a.m. got on scale...thought woohoo down another 2lbs making it 29.6 lbs over the 5weeks:)  HCG ROCKS!!  This day is going to rock...I thought.  Carry on getting ready for the day.

7:45 a.m. dropped Carl off for his colonoscopy.  He is 50 one of those things that needs doing and he has had some symptoms that warranted checking.  Things will be fine...I thought

After a gut feeling further assitance would be needed on top of a rotten year thus far financially wise- due to lower paychecks for same amount of work/hours if not more since Carl is now manager...Carl and I broke down and put my/our pride aside and applied for food and medical assistance for the kids sake.  HARDEST thing we've done...I Thought.

Fast Forward Friday 8:15 appt day walked in scared of how the process worked I Thought it would be the hardest thing I would do I Thought.

8:22 a.m. walked out totally approved of much needed assistance still feeling ashamed not yet relieved over the news.

9:00 a.m. back at facility chit chat with a dear friend to kill time before meeting up to see Carl since his proceedure. Turns out they were done early....Awesome! I Thought!

9:30 a.m. Dr. came in to discuss results the look on his face showed to be disturbing.  I wasn't totally prepared with what he had to say.  Niether was Carl...

My gut had been something is very wrong with my husband but denial took over and I wanted to believe they would find nothing serious even though all his symptoms would say otherwise.  Lab tests were coming back mostly good so why the nagging feeling.  Nothing can be that wrong...I Thought.

9:45 a.m. legs are so weak I can't stand, where is my heart, what just happened to our world.  All he wanted was to work with horses again, what about the kids, how do or what to say to them.  Kelda is super sensitive, Inger cracks jokes, Benjamin wouldn't quiet fully understand...I Thought.

10 a.m. Carl asked I call our regular Dr. and discuss options.  I somehow make it to the truck w/o falling or well really not sure how I got there but I did. I can't do this...I Thought. This isn't really happening to us.  Dr. busy with patient, but did call back.

10:30 Have talked to a couple close friends I had hoped by the time I got back inside I had heard wrong...I Thought this can't be happening...why us, why now...WHY??

10:45 Carl demanding I call/txt kids and tell them said NO his boss tell him...I said not now in person.  Carl admitted across street at hospital.  Made clear he was NOT which I responded with of course not you are too honory and stubborn.  If you know my husband you know this to be true. Demanding I work harder or find other avenues for my business to bring in more customers I would need it to fall back on he needed that peace of mind.  A speech that his job is done...never again will our family be seperated due to a job that no job was worth these long hours taking him away from us.  Today we learn LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

11:00 His room was already set he was already admitted...I Thought WOW they are really rolling and getting things done.  And they were- Carl was priority for OR...I Thought..  Until he got bumped by higher priorities

12:00 Waiting in what would be his room for several days we sat not really saying much.  He was a very eery calm.  I have no other way to say it.  He is one to vocally say what he wants and doesn't want.  Today he is calm and says to Dr. lets take care of this there is no discussion.  I have a goal of living to 100 to annoy my kids I am only half way! He pretty much kicked me out at this point.  I informed him I was only allowing him to get away with this because he needed time for this to soak in and I had things that needed attn.  I leave have a good cry while seeing his boss cry more saying the words out loud.  Until now all I had done was read and hear them.  Saying them was so much harder to take the news.

Go home to the kids ask for a big hug that I needed one.  Told them the news the tears came, questions follow, more hugs, the whys and other questions that really I didn't know yet.  Load up in truck, dogs have been walked lets go to the hospital to try and see dad before he goes into surgery.  LONG afternoon he went from top priority to there are a couple higher prioritites that bumped him.

6:30 p.m. FINALLY I Thought they are prepping him.  I don't know what was worse getting the news, the wait or the time was finally here.

7p.m. walked with him while he was wheeled back said our last good byes and I love yous. I noticed a look in his eyes I only saw once in 17 yrs...the day I gave birth to Kelda and nearly didn't survive.  It was then I knew just how scared he really was, it was then I KNEW we would make it thru yet another bump in the road.  Went home walked dogs, ate dinner, put on comfy clothes, packed blankets and pillows go back to hospital.  Was said to be 3 hours we have been gone 1 1/2hrs so what if he comes out and we aren't there.  Call and update family and friends.  Benjamin threw his bike around in frustration not knowing what else to do.  Inger went down by the river and finally had a good cry, Kelda helped me keep everyone and everything together.

8 p.m. call from OR Dr. they can't find tissue yet that there is a good chance he might go home with a permn. bag but he will keep looking.  My only reply was thats not acceptable.  Call more friends/family and update.  Facebook and email friends/family of our situation as there are just too many to call and we NEEDED all the positive thoughts and prayers one had to offer.  The love has been pouring in and to all of them a BIG heart felt THANK YOU.  You don't know how much this has meant to our family.  I refused to accept what life has presented us today.  I refused to accept that my husband might have a bag to deal with the rest of is life..I REFUSE..NO it isn't going to happen damn it!  Our world was rocked enough for one day, for one life we get needs to change you have awaken us!

10:35 p.m. dr. calls They are confident they got it all.  100%!!  We will be closing up and be done in about 30 mins. HUGE sigh of relief I finally actually took a deep breath...first one since I inhaled at the news this morning but never released back out. Benjamin finally had a smile on his face and said now I can quit pacing.

11:00 p.m. Dr. assures me there is nothing we or Carl did or didn't do to cause this.  He was 100% healthy besides this, he ate right, he is plenty physical, he was in over all excellent shape...he is just one of the unlucky few that can do everything right and still this can happen.

11:15 Kelda says so you can do everything right and still get so sick.  Benjamin says so you can work so hard and do everything to support your family and this is the repayment.  HOW do you answer thoughts like that when THAT is exactly what they witnessed and learned out of this experience.  They went all afternoon worried about the what ifs, contemplating life and just how short it is and what if they lose their father.  Benjamin our Aspie child actually showed emotion and words of I am scared!  You don't get that often from an Aspergers child.  This really struck home and hit him HARD.

May 22, 2010

12:00 a.m. Carl was asking for me in recovery.  First thing out of his mouth was 100.  After finally realizing what he was saying I laughed!  And replied with and I Thought YES you are right!!

12:55 he is wheeled to his room and we follow to say good night and put the kids minds at ease.

1:25 asleep at last.

3:15 back up must check on him

4:15 still can't sleep go check on him again

4:45 still writing about the events of what has happened to our family

In approx 24 hours I have had just about 2 hours sleep...what you read here is us finding out MY husband being diagnosed with colorectal cancer.  I THOUGHT this was the end of the world...I thought how or why could this be happening, I THOUGHT we have been working so hard as we really wanted to fulltime RV, I thought about how badly he had been wanting to go back to working with his horses, I thought about the what ifs he had to have a bag because they couldn't find good tissue, I thought, and thought and thought.  I felt guilty.  I asked him to stay longer at a job he pay off bills, esp our RV...I THOUGHT it was the right thing.  When the RIGHT thing in life is doing what makes you happy.  No matter what you do to pay off your bills and be debt free something will ALWAYS crop up and bite you and you will have more bills yet there may not always be that loved one in your life.


YES this day did ROCK...good and bad and good again...My husband is ALIVE and now I know of all my thoughts today this is the ONLY one that matters and he ROCKS my world and all he has ever done is what he had to do for OUR family and now the family is there for him!


Ami said...

I'm sending good thoughts your way.

I cannot imagine going through all of that and have it all happen so fast.


Jane said...

Your right He rocks your world and you rock his. Keep up your chin and let him know to get out of bed and stop wasting the Love you all,
Blondy (Jane)